THE AUSTRALIAN

Olivia Newton-John, a Greased-up parliament and visions of Scomo in tight leather

19 Sep 2019
ALICE WORKMAN SKETCH

“Just before I call on questions without notice, I’d like to inform the house we have present in the gallery this afternoon Olivia Newton-John,” Speaker Tony Smith told the chamber to huge cheers and squeals of delight.

Tell me more, tell me more (like has she met Kim Carr?).

“Who is here today to promote the work of the Olivia NewtonJohn cancer research institute.”

Tell me more, tell me more (did she claim a comcar?).

“It might be a bit of a letdown after that, but welcome,” Labor leader Anthony Albanese confessed as he was called to kick off question time.

“Maybe you could give her the $20m ONJCR needs?” Albanese asked Scott Morrison, as Newton-John smiled and waved from the gallery. Instead of cash, Morrison put on a Grease megamix.

“We are the ones that the Australian people wanted at the last election,” Morrison exclaimed theatrically, evoking images of the Prime Minister dancing his way through a carnival in leather pants. Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey! Newton-John looked delighted as she laughed and slapped the knee of her husband, Josh Easterling, who was sitting beside her. Tell me about it, stud! “And they voted for us to continue with our election plans and to implement those plans and you are the ones they didn’t want!” the PM continued.

But after four questions, Newton-John’s chills (which sources say were multiplying and electrifying) were gone and she departed question time with her entourage. Xanadu it ain’t.

Tragically, that didn’t stop the cringe-worthy quotes coming.
“My question is to the Treasurer, to whom we are hopelessly devoted,” the Liberal member for Bowman Andrew Laming said to jeers from the Labor benches.

“Only a couple of questions late,” the opposition heckled. Laming was out of his head and hopelessly devoted to Josh.

“Bill, you are definitely the one that I do not want,” he added.

Even Deputy Prime Minister Michael McCormack got in on the joke, branching out into NewtonJohn’s wider discography.

In response to a dixer about trade agreements benefiting farmers, he dropped: “I tried to get physical with the member for Hunter (Joel Fitzgibbon) last week, but please be quiet for now!”

Maybe he’ll want to get physical! physical! when he’s running question time on Thursday.

As the song goes: “I’ve been patient, I’ve been good. Tried to keep my hands on the table. It’s gettin’ hard this holdin’ back. If you know what I mean. I’m sure you’ll understand my point of view. We know each other mentally. You gotta know that you’re bringin’ out. The animal in me.”

Unfortunately for the Grammy winning National Living Treasure, a quick scan of social media shows politicians seemed more interested in selfies than pledging money to her cause. At least the snow is gone even if, once again, NewtonJohn dreams were ripped at the seams. But oh! Those midwinter (actually spring) niiiiiiiiiights. Olivia Newton-John with husband Josh Easterling The Morrison government will examine legislating maximum jail terms of five to 10 years for deliberate, systemic cases of wage theft, with potential criminal penalties confined to the “most serious types of offending”.....